Introducing: Pantry Hotline

It's time to get the upper hand on your kitchen's long term tenants.

Thank you for reading Letters from Paris on the Genesee! If you have not already, please subscribe and this newsletter will appear in your inbox every Tuesday morning. You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram for more piping hot content.

Years ago, I had an eye of round roast in my freezer for what felt like a year. I could not figure out what to do with it, until one day, tired of it mocking me every time I opened the freezer, I decided to stick it in a crockpot and make Italian beef sandwiches. Reader, please believe me when I tell you it was one of the worst meals I’ve ever had. The beef was so lean that it didn’t shred so much as splinter. Despite sitting in a pool of juices, it was so dry that every bite felt like it was going to glue my mouth shut. It was so bad that it haunts me to this day.

This, unfortunately, is a pretty universal experience. We have all been there. You’re trying to figure out what to make for dinner, and all you have left are the misfit ingredients you’ve been avoiding. Whether it’s a strange cut of meat, a weird canned good you don’t remember buying, or an unfamiliar seasoning, we all have them. They sit in our fridge and in our pantries, taunting us, but the thought of putting in the effort to figure out what to do with them is overwhelming.

We shouldn’t be afraid of trying new things in the kitchen, but we can do our best to protect ourselves from disaster meals. Had I tried talking through my ill-fated Italian beef idea with someone, they probably would have told me I had the wrong cut of beef and the sandwiches would turn out awful. That’s where Pantry Hotline comes in. 

Pictured: our pantry, in a state of relative organization.

My wife and I like to say “We don’t have any food, all we have are ingredients” when we aren’t getting any ideas. Well, I want you to tell me about your ingredients. Tell me about an ingredient you have sitting in your fridge or pantry that you have no idea what to do with, and I will try my level best to give you some ideas. I will make a dish using one submitted ingredient, but even if I don’t cook with your submission, I will still try to point you in the direction of a good or creative recipe. Anyone can google some recipes, but I think getting a fresh perspective from an actual human instead of pages of unknown recipes is a valuable thing. A fresh set of eyes can make all the difference.

Please submit your stubborn pantry holdouts in the comments below, and I’ll do my best to help you push through your kitchen confusion. In the spirit of cooperation, I’ll submit our last remaining pantry oddball.

I have no earthly idea why we have this can of olives. I hate olives. Absolutely cannot stand the sight of them. I have a vivid memory from when I was a little kid of biting a slice of supreme pizza at a Pizza Hut. I was so repulsed by the taste of the olives on the pizza that I burst into tears and caused a major scene. Since that day, I have not been able to tolerate olives in my food.

My wife loves olives, so she is the likely culprit, but she normally buys the jars of whole green olives, not these disgusting little rings from hell. I don’t like green olives either, I just find them much less objectionable than these. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I don’t feel like I need a reason.

This may not have been the best example, since I dislike this ingredient so much that I refuse to eat it. But this is the type of item I’m looking for, and that I know you all have. Times are tight for a lot of folks, and if I can help you squeeze another meal out of your pantry stock, I’ll take that as a win. So call the hotline and let’s get it sorted out.